


Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die but I’m a little bit scared of what comes after

by kyotoma



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 09:43:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11803458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyotoma/pseuds/kyotoma
Summary: The bullet had come as a surprise.The thoughts that followed were inevitable, he wanted to be prepared for death after all, didn't he?orJesse McCree's deathbed monologue based off a Brand New song that I believe was very fitting





	Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die but I’m a little bit scared of what comes after

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello this is based off the song 'Jesus Christ' by Brand New which I found to be very fitting  
> here is a link to the song: https://youtu.be/cjPyvoLXPs4

The bullet had come as a surprise. 

Jesse knew he would never be as good as Genji, guy could hear a sniper from a block away, but he usually considered himself to have some sort of foot up when it came to sneaking up on someone. After all, he had spent a considerable amount of his life doing the sneaking up. 

First, with Deadlock, it hadn't all been shootouts and motorcycles. There had been quite a few missions that had required a certain touch of...discretion and Jesse had almost always fronted those missions. 

After Deadlock it had been Blackwatch, the king of all undercover ops, called in whenever Overwatch's dirty work needed doing. Safe to say, he had trained to be one of the sneakiest bastards around, it was in the job description. 

Not that he'd ever had a real choice, Blackwatch or prison? Reyes had pitched him the idea as if he needed an answer, they both knew he didn’t. 

So that had been his life, being the one doing the sneaking. 

Now, he didn’t want to be cocky and say he had it down 100%...the current bullet in his chest proved that. 

But, he would've said it'd be a hard task sneaking up on ole' Jesse McCree. 

Unfortunately, that was exactly what had happened. Maybe he really was getting too old for this shit, maybe he hadn't been concentrating enough, it was hard to say. 

Come to think of it, he had been a little distracted. Was hard to stay focused when a certain archer was running across his field of view with one whole side of his chest bared, looking like God's had hand sculpted him. 

Yeah, maybe he was a little distracted. 

That explained how the sniper had come up behind him without him having noticed. He still got a good couple shots with Peacekeeper in, downing the sniper first, before he even staggered backwards and the floor around him rose to meet him. 

"Jesse!" Said Archer's voice had been the first to come in over the comm and Jesse almost laughed, the man had rudely stalked his thoughts and dreams for almost two months yet ignored and snapped at him in person, maintaining his cold façade even when Jesse turned his charm all the way up. 

Would Hanzo regret ignoring all Jesse's flirting from the last two months when he died? He wasn’t sure. He knew the man wasn’t completely as closed off as he pretended to be, years of guilt, self-hate and regret had done that to him after he destroyed his own brother. But heck, maybe he really didn’t like McCree at all. 

He had commented numerous times on how absurd or annoying he found the gunslinger, maybe it hadn't all been a ruse to push away the only possible chance he had of a friend as McCree had initially suspected. 

Damn, maybe he had really misjudged that one. 

A face normally lined with a frown appeared above him, worry clouding all its features almost making it unrecognizable to the downed cowboy. 

_Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face._

Perhaps it was the last rush of adrenaline through McCree's dying body that prompted the thought but he really was sorry he hadn't taken a hell of a lot more time to appreciate Hanzo's looks. On the very slim chance McCree made it to heaven, he knew he wouldn't find a single angel anywhere near the beauty on the face above him. 

It was the kind of face McCree had believed he could save, when Hanzo had showed up drowning in his guilt and regret. Not quite truly believing Genji had forgiven him but clutching at the slim chance he had to reconcile with his brother. 

Yeah, McCree remembers the look on Hanzo's face clear as day, it was the same as the one he knew he'd had every day he'd spent on the run, one thought keeping him going: 'If they don’t put me away, it'll be a miracle.' 

Maybe that was why McCree believed it was the kind of face found on someone he could save. Maybe he could do for this broken man what Overwatch had done for him, saved him. 

Before Winston had sent out the recall, after Blackwatch, McCree had been lost. He had lost the only two homes he had ever known, regardless of how shitty they had been, they had been his homes. Running had been exciting at first, he could reinvent himself in every new place he visited, if he wanted to that was...but it got boring quickly. And it got lonely even quicker. 

So, one day when a giant gorilla called and offered McCree somewhere he didn’t have to worry about running anymore, of course he took it. 

Sure, Overwatch wasn’t exactly legal but it quickly became home. Not a way out, he was still a wanted man, but a bunch of people who he could look at and know, would help him in any way they could. A bunch of people he could look at and know, he'd help them make the world a better place. A family. 

Maybe, looking back, it had been a chance for redemption, even if it was just to redeem himself and his actions in his own mind. Back then, any chance of redemption was one that he ran into full speed. 

Just like Hanzo had, with the chance to redeem himself after killing Genji. 

Maybe that’s why Jesse felt so drawn to the man. He should have hated him, the very man had tried to kill Jesse's best friend, his own brother. 

He did hate him, at first but, if how he'd been living for the past ten years was any indication, he had broken himself in the process of trying to break Genji. 

The man clouding his current thoughts pulled McCree's chest plate off, bringing Jesse out of his daydream and back to the moment. 

Around him, everyone was too busy trying to hold back Talon agents to assist Hanzo now trying to put pressure on the wound. He could hear the sounds of the various weapons among his team mates but couldn’t see a single thing but Hanzo. 

This was a fight they had been planning for months and here he was, shot in the first ten minutes, missing all the action. Jesse almost felt like he was missing out, everything good was happening somewhere else. 

He let his thoughts drift again, perhaps it was a symptom of the current hole in his chest but he was having a hard time focusing on the literal Japanese angel above him. 

This time, he thought back to his life recently. How pathetic his death would be... 

He had friends who loved him, he was fully aware of this but with he knew he had been missing something. McCree wasn't one to romanticize much, a life on the run had stopped those thoughts but he would admit, with nobody in his bed, the nights were hard to get through. 

It was at night when he lay down that the thoughts would start, the thoughts of what he was missing. The way Fareeha looked at Mercy or how Mei looked at Zarya, perhaps a feeling he would never know. He had given up on the thought all together, until one Hanzo Shimada, former heir to the Shimada-gumi throne walked into Watchpoint: Gibraltar physically and figuratively walked into his thoughts and showed no signs of leaving anytime soon. 

But McCree had hated the man at first, the man who had killed his own brother and McCree's best friend for no other reason than he was told to. The man who had shamelessly released one of the greatest powers bestowed to him, literal dragons to do his dirty work. 

But then he had started to notice things, the overwhelming guilt that flowed out of him every time he so much as looked at Genji, the way he treated the watchpoint like he was a guest and everyone in it like they would kick him out any second, the way he tried so hard to push everyone away in fear of them suddenly realizing how unredeemable he was. 

But McCree had looked past the cold, harsh personality and found a man just as broken over his actions as the brother he had struck down. 

And McCree had hated to admit how the unkind actions he once found irritable began to hurt his heart and how he tried for a month without results to charm the broken man. 

Perhaps most of all, he hated to admit how fast he was falling for said man. 

McCree had no ill intentions, he knew the last thing Hanzo would need was something complicated so McCree had simply tried to be a friend to the man, offer him all he could without any ulterior motives except to maybe help the man along a route of forgiving himself. 

But in the end, perhaps it had been futile. Above him, in the present, Hanzo moved away to take out some Talon agents that had found them and McCree wondered if this was it, if he would die alone after all. 

His thoughts drifted to his death, sure everyone at Overwatch would be sad but they'd get over it. They wouldn't be Overwatch if they couldn’t move past death, it was almost a damn job requirement. 

Jesse thought about where he might end up after. First, he thought about heaven, the chance of him ever getting in was so slim he indulged himself in foolish thoughts for a minute. 

When he arrived, he wouldn’t know anyone. Every dead person he knew had come back from the dead. 

First Ana Amari, the closest thing he'd had to a mother since Deadlock, had reappeared a couple months ago. After being assumed dead she had used the time to take a well-deserved break and hell, Jesse couldn’t even be mad at her for it. 

What would he do if everyone assumed he was dead? He'd probably go back to Santa Fe, see how his home town had changed in the many years he'd spent away from it. 

After that, who knows? He wouldn’t have a bounty to worry about, he could visit anywhere he wanted, do anything he wanted. 

Yet he still thought of Overwatch, there was nowhere else he'd rather be, not for long anyway. 

His family was at Overwatch. 

But Ana had needed the break, she had been at it a lot longer than he had and not long after she was assumed dead, so were most of the former Overwatch, the first generation. She had lost her family, makes sense she needed some time before trying to find a new one. 

After Ana was Jack Morrison, former Overwatch strike commander. Jesse didn’t know him well, he ran Overwatch. Didn’t have much to do with Blackwatch back in the day, too dirty for pure, all-American Jack. But Gabe had been close with him, Jesse knew that much. 

Which brought him on to Gabe, his surrogate father. The man who raised him after Deadlock, taught him everything he knew. Rose from the dead just after, or well, not quite, as a hired mercenary for Talon, unlike Jack and Ana, never to be even close to the man he once was. 

The only person he knew was definitely dead as a door nail, his old man. Papa McCree, notorious leader of the Deadlock Rebels and Jesse knew he, for sure, wouldn’t be found in heaven. 

So here Jesse McCree was, alone again, dying. Thinking he was going to get into heaven was beyond a joke, he wasn’t even religious. 

He thought to himself about the stories from the Bible once taught to him and all the other youngin's on Sundays growing up in Deadlock. He hoped the Savior could hear him now, hear his pathetic desperate attempts at salvation now he really was on his death bed. 

The only time he ever thought of Jesus was in times like this one, right now. 

Right now, he was the most religious son of a gun about, as if that would do a dime to get him into heaven. 

An old parable from the Bible jumped into his mind and he almost laughed at the thought. Had Jesus himself had thoughts like these on the cross? 

_Jesus Christ, what did you do those 3 days you were dead?_

He thought to himself how nice it would be to only be dead for 3 days, unfortunately, as the pool of blood spread across the cold tiles of the floor beneath him, he knew this problem was gonna last more than the weekend. 

With Hanzo still taking out a few of the talon agents in the room, Jesse found himself relieved to have someone to talk to, even if Jesse didn’t exactly believe in that person on most given days. 

_Well, Jesus Christ_ he continued what he thought might be a prayer, _I'm not scared to die._ He thought to himself. 

_I'm a little bit scared of what comes after._

_Maybe it'll be real fancy, do I get the gold chariot?_

_Do I float through the ceiling?_

_Do I divide and fall apart?_

_I think I like that idea best, I think it rather suits me. I'm not a good man, don't reckon I deserve much else._

_My bright's always been a bit too slight to hold back all my dark..._

_I was close though._

_Heck, I was a ship that went down in sight of land._

_I could've done so much good, after Deadlock, after Blackwatch. The Overwatch recall was my chance to do some good, maybe right my wrongs. You know that right?_

_Hell, pardon my language, maybe that'll be enough to get me to heaven alone..._

_At the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?_

_Cause I reckon I should tell you now how much blood I got on 'em._

McCree felt the blood seeping from the hole in his chest now, knew it was starting to be too much, knew he wouldn’t last much longer. 

He had said in his prayer that he wasn’t scared to die but as he felt more and more blood leaving his body, he realised he was scared. 

His prayer turned into panicked rambling, maybe if he postponed ending his prayer, he would have more time...at least until Hanzo made it back to his side. He was sure the last thing he wanted to see was the worried face of his stoic angel, not the answerless ceiling he was sending his prayer to. 

_Jesus, I know you're coming like a thief in the night._

_I like to believe I'll see you on my way to...wherever I'm going and I think I made my peace with that idea, I think I'm ready to go._

_But I must confess I think I lied to you about bein' afraid of dying, I guess I am a lil' afraid. Sorry about that._

_Guess I've had a lot of time to hone my lying technique._

_Ya see, I been lying to myself for a long time, that fella over there, with the bow and arrows. I think I fell a lot harder for him than I was willin' to admit to myself._

_I'm real sorry for that, to myself...to him. Not sure if he'll ever know now, maybe it's better that way..._

_If you could just send him over, before I go? Let me say goodbye? Lord, let me see that smile just once before I go and I won't mind if you send me to heaven or hell..._

And as if some deity was really answering his prayer, McCree looked over to see Hanzo finally dispatch the final Talon agent with a melee blow to the face with his bow before skidding back over to McCree's side. 

_Oh, wow, that really worked._

_Maybe you think I'm someone you can trust..._ A voice in the back of McCree's tried to add that it was wrong to trust him but he silenced that thought. 

_As scared as I am of dyin',_

_I'm more scared I'll get scared_

_Not knowing what you look like and all. What if I do somethin' real dumb? Like I dunno, try to fight back? I've always been more fight than flight._

_Maybe we can work out a sign?_

_So I’ll know it's you and that it's over, so I won't even try?_

"Jesse!" Hanzo's voice drew him from his prayer and he smiled sheepishly, almost as if he had been caught having the conversation out loud, how absurd it would have sounded, he was honestly imagining himself being personally escorted to heaven by Jesus Christ. 

_Who am I kidding, you don’t come for the people like me_

_I'm just as bad as them fellas with the wood and nails._

Fella's just like Jesse, Deadlock, Blackwatch. Fella's who turned out hate like a well-oiled machine, a factory almost 

No, nobody was coming for Jesse McCree 

He didn’t belong up there, he couldn’t kid himself any longer 

He lifted a weak hand, the flesh one to Hanzo's cheek and brushed a thumb across the baby soft skin there. 

"Goddamn will I miss this sight when I'm gone." 

Surprised but not annoyed, Hanzo leant into the touch, his own hand ghosting over the back of McCree's and the other pressed hard against the wound in McCree's chest once more. 

"You are a fool," Hanzo's voice dropped to a whisper, uneven and raw, "Jesse McCree don't you dare leave me now or I swear to God I will unleash my dragons on your foolish, American ass," 

But McCree didn't hear the end of the threat as everything around him went dark. 

When he woke up, he wasn’t standing at pearly white gates waiting to show his hands to Thomas or personally be escorted into heaven by Jesus Christ himself. In fact, he realized how ridiculous his prayer to the Savior had been now that his body had all 8 pints of blood where they should be. 

He looked around and almost panicked at the stark-white room before realizing it was just the medical wing of the watchpoint and let out a small huff of air through his nose as some form at a laugh at himself. 

God, he really was an idiot, did he really think he'd get anywhere close? After everything he'd done? 

The small noise he had made caused a stir beside him and although he knew he was not in heaven, he turned from one angelic figure rushing over to check his vitals to see another figure in the chair beside his bed, however this one didn’t need the wings or the halo for Jesse to know he was an angel. 

"Hanzo," McCree's voice was sore and raw but the angel looked at him and smiled, a small, unsure and quite nervous one...but still a smile. 

And McCree wondered, after everything, if he had been sent to heaven after all

**Author's Note:**

> i was very tempted to leave this at McCree fading out of conciousness and add another chapter where he woke up but i didnt want to do that to you guys lmao  
> i have some other brand new songs thatd be really fitting for these two assholes so im gonna see if i can fit them into this main storyline and maybe turn this into a multi-chapter fic?? of some sort?? i hope you guys enjoyed & thank you sm for reading !!


End file.
